“I’m not proud of it, but I have been racist. I remember playing with the band for eighth-grade graduation. Because I was in the regular school program, I couldn’t be in the ceremony with the magnet students. But I had to play for their ceremony. To make matters worse, they were mostly white students. It was like they were more important than the rest of us. I hated them.
But it hurts to hate people. In high school I wanted to change—how I thought about others, and how I thought about myself. I became involved with LA Youth, where I was working with people that were not like me. I started feeling comfortable around people of other races and had a great time when I was around them. There was no way I would go back to my old self again. It was like being born again, this time with a wider view of the world and finding what I never knew existed. It was a great feeling.
Although I started to change, there was still something missing. I was still insecure about myself and was afraid to speak out for what I felt was right.
Then one of the former co-editors of LA Youth gave me an application for Brotherhood-Sisterhood camp. The words on the front jumped out at me, something about how to have self-confidence or self-esteem. I wondered what this camp was all about. It seemed expensive, but I applied and anxiously waited for a letter of acceptance. After a few weeks I was accepted for the June session—and only had to pay $50 out of $250. I was so excited and couldn’t believe it. This would be my first camp.
I wanted a break
To be honest, the main reason I wanted to go was to get away. I was tired of everybody telling me what to do. I felt like a remote control car, and somebody else had the controls, just moving me where they pleased. I was tired of it. I wanted to be my own person. I wanted to get away. I wanted to be happy.
I remember getting there on a Saturday about 10:30 a.m. I was anxious to learn and have a great time. Since I had never been to a camp, the only image I had was teenagers swimming, eating, and playing volleyball all day. Boy, was I wrong.
It was an awesome experience. I get the chills just writing about it.
I think it was the first time I really worked on myself in a focused way. I was so caught up in what everyone else thought that I had forgotten how I wanted to be.
I cried for the Jews
In one activity, we wrote down all the stereotypes we had about Jewish people, while they weren’t there. Our ugly words were then posted on one of the walls. The Jewish people were asked to come back in. They read the stereotypes on the walls and tears rolled down their faces. I wanted to stand up and say how unfair it all was, how we had no right to make them feel so bad. I felt awful and I began to cry, not only because I had these stereotypes about them but because I felt what they were feeling. I wanted to apologize for saying all those awful things about them but all I could do was sit down and listen to what they were saying, and learn how they felt.
That experience has stayed with me. I do not feel comfortable when I hear people speak of others without knowing them. Right away I imagine myself back at camp, sitting on the floor and watching them cry, embracing each other.
In another activity, we were asked to rate the four races at camp—blacks, Latinos, whites and Asians—by their power in society. Each group was called out and we took our places on a stage, highest to lowest. It was like a competition. You were just waiting to hear who would be called out next. I was hoping that the Latino group would maybe be called third but it never happened. Everyone rated whites first, Asians second, blacks third, and Latinos last. I stood down at the bottom realizing that this was the truth, that we were really seen as the least powerful group in society.
Everyone cried and hugged each other. I had cried so much the night before and the night before that, the only thing I could do now was think why this activity was taking place. I knew everything was being done for a reason, so I stood there trying to be strong, trying to learn. This activity was probably the hardest for me because I hadn’t realized that my race was so powerless.
Guys learned what it’s like to be whistled at
Another camp activity had to do with gender. Girls were separated from the guys. We talked about how we wanted more respect from guys. After that, each guy had to walk past all the girls, while we called out the kinds of insulting remarks guys often make to us:
“Come here baby!”
“What are you, conceited? Think you’re too good? Turn around.”
“Chooooow!”
“Damn, you be looking good.”
Then we stared them up and down like they were fresh meat, just like some guys do to girls. Then we whispered some kind of pick-up line or comment in their ears. It was hard to do, but we needed to let the guys know how awful it felt when we were treated this way.
Some of the guys were pissed and complained. Some cried. Two or three laughed. It had a big impact. They understood. A lot of them said they never knew we felt that way.
There is really no way to tell you about this camp without you going to it first. All I know is that it has definitely changed my life and the way I feel and think about other races. It had such an impact in my life, that I often find myself daydreaming, thinking that I’m back at camp. Not only have I learned about others but I have met great friends who ’till this day I am keeping in touch with. I only met these friends for a week and felt so close to them, they understood certain things that other people I know couldn’t understand.
I feel like I will never again let anyone dominate me like they did. I am a stronger person because of this camp. It has helped me grow mentally and given me the opportunity to burn all the ignorant stereotypes and remarks I had. I am not a perfect person with a perfect mind but I have been educated a lot more about life than I had ever been at school. There is a lot more things that went on while I was at camp but I don’t want to tell you more than I already have because it is an experience you need to go through yourself. It has truly been an experience I will never forget as long as I live.”