Twisted Love: What seemed like an innocent, loving relationship soon became ugly
Mira tells the story of a teen whose relationship with her boyfriend became abusive.
“*Names have been changed.
If *Sara, 17, only knew what she was getting herself into, she would have never gotten involved in the nine-month relationship with *Mark, who would soon reveal the violent, abusive side of himself that eventually tore the two apart.
After meeting each other at a Los Angeles bookstore, Sara and Mark both called each other every night, talking about everything from music to movies and… marriage. He told her what he expected from his “woman” and all the qualifications she should have. But he never told her his age. In two months, Sara would learn that he was much older than the 19-year-old college student he seemed to be. He was 30 years old. But by then, the two had become seriously involved, and Sara promised she wouldn’t leave Mark because of his age. She also later found out that he had a history of bad relationships, which Mark claimed was solely the fault of the girls he was with.
As time went by, he got worse
As the two became closer, Mark became more dominating.
“It was such a gradual thing, and I was really falling for his good side, that I just accepted whatever personality trait that arose from him later on… the jealousy, possessiveness, everything,” Sara said.
Sara had to call Mark at certain times of the day, let him know who she was with at all times, and report her daily schedule.
“I’d never been with someone who cared so much about my life, so I interpreted his neurotic ways as love. Besides, it wasn’t too bad at first. He told me how his day was too,” Sara explained.
Yet, Sara admitted that his neurotic ways were slowly building up to a twisted pile of threats and emotional abuse. Mark persistently brought up the topic of marriage. After three months, Mark decided that they should get married at City Hall next week. When Sara told him that she wasn’t ready for marriage, Mark became furious and threw a fit about how Sara didn’t know what it meant to be a good girlfriend.
“We hardly knew each other, and he wanted to marry me already. I was flattered, but scared at the same time. He was dictating my life to me,” Sara said.
He said she should get a job to support him
Mark would constantly tell Sara that they were going to be together forever, without a care for what Sara wanted. Wherever Sara chose to go to college the next year, Mark assured her that he would move with her. He suggested that she get a job to help pay for their relationship and start building up for their future together. He expected her to think like him, but she didn’t. And that was the root of all their fights.
“He always accused me of being immature, naive, and rebellious, just because I was younger than him. But he stayed with me anyway. I think he liked the idea of being in control of us. I even began to believe that I was all those things, but thank goodness I didn’t let myself get totally brainwashed,” Sara said.
As the relationship developed, Mark tried even harder to brain-wash Sara. He accused her of cheating on him, just like all his past girlfriends, although Sara never did. He insisted that Sara carry his jacket, pay for dates, and obey him, just like a “real woman.” Even though Mark knew from the start that Sara didn’t believe in premarital sex, he pressured her to do it. When Sara said no to sex, he threw a fit and accused her of being a bad girlfriend and not really loving him. He told Sara that he was going to sleep with other girls to satisfy himself, but Sara was not allowed to leave him.
She wanted out
Sara was getting fed up. Although she did love the good side of Mark, she figured that that wasn’t enough to hold them together. It seemed like his good side was only shown when he was trying to make up with her after a fight. Sara tried to break up with him after a month of knowing him, but Mark managed to talk his way back into her life. She tried several times afterward to end the relationship, but somehow they always got back together. He threatened to kill himself. He wrote mushy letters proclaiming his everlasting love for her. He claimed that his life had no meaning without her in it. He even wrote her an essay in which he explained the importance of forgiveness for a loved one.
Being a kind-hearted and forgiving person that she was, Sara couldn’t leave Mark in such a state. So she went back to him, again and again and again. Then one night, he went too far.
The two had plans to go out, but Mark never came to pick her up. Finally, Mark called her, drunk and stoned at a nearby bar. Sara was furious. Mark insisted that he come over to pick her up, and he and a fellow drunk came by her house. Sara got in the backseat, silently without an expression on her face. Realizing that the driver was drunk as well, she demanded they let her out of the car.
Mark turned around, furiously assailing her, calling her all the names in the book. The driver pulled over and dropped them off in a secluded area of the city. The next hour and a half would be the longest in Sara’s life.
He could have killed her
“I don’t remember every word he said to me, but basically he slapped me, tripped me in front of a bunch of people, yelled at me, commanded me to apologize to him, gave me a long, illogical lecture about how he was always right, and said everything and anything to make me feel guilty, stupid, and immature,” Sara said. “It was the most frightening night of my life. He could’ve done anything to me, even kill me. He was so angry and hot-tempered that I tried to appease him, or else he would’ve really blown up. After that experience, I knew I never wanted to be with him again, even if it meant losing the good side of him.”
When Mark was done abusing Sara, he sent her home in a cab and commanded her to call him when she arrived. Sara never called him. But Mark called five to six times a day in an effort to catch Sara on the phone. Sara never answered the phone, and Mark never spoke to Sara. After a few days, Sara answered the phone when Mark called. She hung up on him. He called back. She hung up again. And he called back. Eventually, Sara took the phone off the hook, but Mark still called days later. He called her at school and at work, and he even came over to her house one night to stick a letter in the door. He had his niece and female co-workers call Sara too.
She never told her parents
Sara couldn’t tell her parents. She wasn’t allowed to date, especially someone so much older and out of her race. She felt like a prisoner in her own home, avoiding all phone calls and being cautious when in public. So Sara got a restraining order against him.
“When he called one day, I told him what I had done. He was shocked because he didn’t think I would go that far. I hung up on him, and since then, he hasn’t called me,” Sara said.
Although Sara was fortunate to escape the abusive relationship with her health, her life will never be the same.
“I really empathize with abused women. People who haven’t been abused don’t understand that getting out of a bad relationship isn’t as easy as it seems, especially if you think you’re in love. We’re only human beings with emotions, and love really gets in the way of doing the right thing. But in the end, love doesn’t conquer all. I’m a lot smarter about guys now. I know what types of symptoms to watch out for. But most of all, I’ve learned to be much more pickier about who I date. No one deserves to be abused in any way, no one.””