The Biggest Night of Your Life
Bar and Bat Mitzvahs help Jewish youth mark the transition from childhood to adulthood.
“This is what Ellie’s to-do list looked like:
2 1/2 years before: Start going to Hebrew school at Mogen David.
1 year before: Figure out date and talk with rabbi instructor about which hafTorah (a portion of the Torah) you should read.
6 months before: Book the Beverly Prescott Hotel and temple.
5 months before: Taste test food for reception. Order flowers and decorations.
4 months before: Buy dress. Study speech. q 3 months before: Clear up mistakes. Profusely listen to tapes of prayers in your car and walkman so you will know them perfectly and not mess up. Cram.
1 1/2 months before: Send out invitations to 100 guests, including 20 of your friends. Panic and worry like a maniac. Study more.
The special day arrives: Show time!
What is this elaborate process? It’s not a wedding or an anniversary. It’s a Bat Mitzvah (or Bar Mitzvah for males), the ceremony that is a rite of passage for Jews when they turn 13.
“It is understood that this is the process signifying manhood,” said Van Nuys resident Mike D., who graduated from UCLA last year. “Likewise, traditionally, it is understood that you are looked at and expected to act as an adult, or at least try to.”
Mike D. said he had a “generic” Bar Mitzvah. It began with a temple ceremony in the morning. He read a “somewhat long” portion of the Torah, a sacred Jewish text. Although many American-born Jewish teens do not speak Hebrew fluently, they must read in Hebrew. A cantor and rabbi gave readings also.
A reception in an adjoining room followed the Torah reading, and then a dinner party with a live band was held in a reserved room at the University of Judaism. The party was a joint celebration of Mike’s Bar Mitzvah and his father Julian’s birthday. Seven of Mike’s friends, his father’s business associates, relatives and rabbis from Mike’s school attended. Blessings were made over wine and bread before dinner. The party began at 8 p.m. and ended around midnight. The price tag: over $25,000.
However, Mike insists that the bill was moderate compared to other Bar and Bat Mitzvahs he has attended. “I’ve known some to be over a million… I guess it is as close to a wedding as it gets without having a bride. My brother’s was more elaborate, with a belly/sword dancer, which certainly would have spiced up my event. However, the presence of rabbis kind of toned things down,” Mike said.
He added that the ceremony was very meaningful to him. “It meant that I was seen under a different eye. I was expected now not to act as a child but rather as an adult. I was expected and was seen through Jewish law as an adult and no longer as a little boy. There was a sense that new responsibilities were placed on my shoulders. It also meant that I was part of a long tradition… I knew my father had a Bar Mitzvah, and his father and his father’s father, etc… It was feeling like you passed through something countless generations of males did before you. You were following their footsteps.”
Jessica S. of Beverly Hills insists that Bat Mitzvahs, on the whole, are not stereotypical parties where Jewish families show off their wealth.”My Bat Mitzvah had spiritual significance for me and my parents and I made all the decorations by ourselves. In most cases, people go through the process in order to fulfill the command for a Jewish way of life,” she said.
It’s a time to honor special people
One of the most important and sentimental traditions of the celebration is the candle-lighting ceremony. The Bar Mitzvah boy or the Bat Mitzvah girl lights eight candles on a menorah and dedicates each candle to a special person or group in their lives.
Ellie S. chose to honor cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and parents. “I got to say what pleases me about them and they got to hear it … It was like a bond with every family member I honored,” she said.
Teens said that along with the meaningful aspects of the ceremony, they also had some experiences that were nightmarish or funny or even both.
Hasti M. of West Los Angeles lived through a panic attack when one of her contact lenses broke in her eye during her Torah reading. She endured the pain and removed the shattered pieces in the women’s bathroom immediately after the ceremony. The party continued and Hasti switched to another pair of soft contacts.
Rashelle H. of Beverly Hills found it extremely embarrassing when her dress did not fit properly. “I was wearing this backless dress so I had to wear a backless bra,” she said. “During the party, the straps kept falling down so my cousin tried to pin it; that didn’t work. Then people would come up to me and fix it! It was so annoying and the bra was uncomfortable.”
The majority of the Jewish teens interviewed felt that each of their Bar or Bat Mitzvahs served to increase their cultural or spiritual awareness.
“I really appreciated my Bat Mitzvah and did feel as though I had grown, not only in the eyes of religion, but also in my own understanding of what it means to devote myself to something,” Jessica said.
In retrospect, Jessica admits that at age 13, she could not see the true significance of her Bat Mitzvah beyond the superficial aspects.
“Looking back, I am certainly glad to have learned so much with the help of my family and mentors,” she said.
Jessica offers advice to Jewish teens who see a Bar or Bat Mitzvah in their future: “Try to think about what this event means to YOU, and what YOU will learn from the whole process. Study hard and try to come to understand the Torah for what it is; don’t be distracted by the party afterward.
Fact: Mitzvah is Hebrew for “a good happening.” Bat means girl and bar means boy, therefore a “Bat Mitzvah” is a special occasion for a girl and a “Bar Mitzvah” for a boy.
Fact: A rabbi is a Jewish religious leader similar to a minister or priest. A cantor leads the singing portion of prayers during Jewish services.
Fact: The Torah is the first five books of the Hebrew Bible, traditionally attributed to Moses. (Christians refer to it as the Old Testament.) The other central Jewish text is the Talmud, which interprets the Torah and covers many aspects of Jewish life, including dietary laws, observance of holidays, marriage and divorce”