Just Because Something’s Different Doesn’t Mean It’s Wrong
The day Matt Jones wore eyeshadow, just to fool around, he learned that homophobia is no joke.
“Queer. Homo. Fag. Gay. When you use these words how exactly are you using them? I found that when I used them I meant to inflict pain on someone. Calling someone gay was the same for me as calling someone stupid. Someone’s making a face at me. I say, “Stop acting like a Homo.” Someone tripped walking down the stairs, I hear, “That sure was gay.”
Wow. I never realized until a couple of months ago how hard it is to be gay in high school. Wait, I know what you’re thinking. Let me clear up any misunderstandings as soon as possible. I’m not gay. No siree Bob. Straight as an arrow. I love me some women. But unlike most guys my age, I am not afraid of how people judge me and I try my hardest not to judge others. I am not nor ever will be a homophobe.
A couple of months ago I was hanging out with two female friends of mine at school. They thought it would be cute to put some make-up on me and another one of my male friends. I was not particularly happy with their idea but I went along with it anyway. They put some pretty heavy-duty eye shadow on us. They tried putting on other things but we put our foot down. We felt eye shadow would be more than enough.
The eye shadow was a keen bluish-white color. It even had some sparkles in it. It contrasted with my skin color so well that it was impossible to miss. I couldn’t help noticing how it brought out the color of my eyes—but that’s beside the point. We decided to wear it for the rest of the day around school. Why? I have no clue but it seemed pretty funny at the time.
Along with the eye shadow, we quickly formed gay personas. You know, all the stereotypes straight people have about homosexuals. We couldn’t help it. If we were going to look stupid in the makeup we might as well have some fun with it. We had it all down pat: The stereotypical lisp, feminine hand movements, the girlie walk, the whiny voice and anything else we could think of.
I wanted to show off my new persona
Soon lunch time arrived. Everyone was going to get a kick out of my “fag” impersonation, or so I thought. My friend with the make-up on stayed back with our normal group while I walked around to some girls who instantly noticed the eye shadow. They got up to ask me why I was wearing this. When I answered with a lisp, moved my hands along with every word with my explanation, and raised my voice a few octaves, they burst into laughter and so did I.
I was having a good time with my impersonation until I went over to some of my guy friends. They said, “What’s your problem?” and “Take that off, that’s nasty” and “Are you gay?” At first I took little offense. Then I got very irritated. The situation had gone on too long—it wasn’t funny anymore. One of my “friends” and I got in each others’ faces yelling and swearing like mad. By that time, there was no turning back. I was in that “mode.” I’m sure most of you know what I am talking about. I was in that mode where nothing makes sense, you only hear what you want to hear, and nothing makes sense. Everything is a blur, mixed together in a sea of confusion and rage. Animalistic rage. Luckily it was broken up. I’m sure I would have been torn apart by my friend. I was out of control and he was very much in control and pissed off at that. Plus, he’s like twice my size. But that’s okay, I’m not the fighter. I’m a more late-nights-on-the-beach, writing poetry, sweet, soft and sensitive of the 90’s kinda guy. But anyway, I walked off enraged at the world, not knowing that my friends had saved me from a pretty horrible beating.
I got through the rest of the day all right. I scared the crap out of a couple of my teachers so that lightened the mood a bit. I was sitting in English class and one of my friends kept insisting that the teacher see me. As soon as she saw me she instantly looked down and whispered something to my friend. I couldn’t help but laugh. For the rest of the period, the teacher tried her hardest not to interact with me. I was doing things that normally she would have gotten very upset at. I constantly got up from my chair and went across the room to talk. She didn’t say a word. She just sat there not looking at me. It was a lot of fun. I wish more of my teachers would do that. As I left, it seemed like she was considering holding me after class to talk to me, but she didn’t. I just laughed and went to my next class.
I’m thankful for that experience
It took the rest of the school year for me to start even talking to those guys again and for them to start talking to me. Now, however, those guys are some of my best friends. We are even closer than we were before the incident. They know I’m a wacko and that I could care less about people’s opinions of me. Those are just tiny factors that make up the coolness that is Matt Jones.
Looking back on the situation, I realized the question was not what is my problem, it was what is their problem. I didn’t have a problem with anyone. They had a problem with me. But why? All the reasons I thought of didn’t make any sense. Was it because I looked different? It wasn’t like I had a hole in my head, I just had a little make-up on. Maybe they were scared of me. But why? I hadn’t changed. I was goofing off like I normally do. Maybe they were angry. Angry and upset that they would never actually do what I had done. Maybe they were so obsessed with not being different that any spark of difference in someone else scared them. Or maybe I even made them jealous. Yeah. That must be it. They obviously had no idea what being gay or just being different was about. Up until this point, neither did I. They called me gay. They called me a homo. They called me queer. The same words I used in my everyday language. I had never felt those words before. I had only thrown them.
To this day I am thankful for that experience. It gave me a new outlook on the difficulties of being different. Difference isn’t something to be made fun of. It takes a strong person to be different. Anyone can go along with the crowd. It also taught me that being homosexual in today’s society pretty much sucks to put it bluntly. I’m glad I’m not, but I have total respect for people that are gay and proud of it. I think if I had the opportunity though, I might put some more eye shadow on . . . just for fun.”