“I look in the mirror and see an image staring at me. I question if I am really the same person that looks at me. I also wonder why the image looks at me with contempt. Does it know my deep dark secret that lurks within my mind day to day and keeps me in constant struggle with myself? Does it revel in the fact that I am not perfect at all and that as a human being I too have my share of obstacles to overcome? Perhaps it does know that I wasn’t always the ebullient, personable and confident person that I am today. The image laughs at me now, making me feel like an absolute fool. But I am not going to let it defeat me. I am going to be the ultimate winner. I am going to get rid of that dark little devil that finds solitude within my mind and soul at my expense. These are objectives that I can only strive to accomplish. I will never truly get rid of the sense of inferiority that I have in myself. But I am finally going to break that barrier of mine and talk about my everlasting sense of invisibility.
Being an Asian-Indian American teenager, I had a hard time in my quest to find my identity. During my elementary and junior high years, I had a serious inferiority complex. I always dreamed of being “white” and “light complexioned.” I used to cry constantly and at times ask God why he made me come out so dark. I even thought it was my fault. I first started to feel invisible when I noticed how people acted differently towards people who were lighter-skinned than I.
Teachers and classmates ignored me because of my skin color
Four years ago, on the first day of my history class, my teacher asked the class if anyone knew when the Declaration of Independence was signed. Two people in our class, including me, raised our hands. The teacher called on the other boy. He replied, “1800.” I still had my hand up, but my teacher ignored me completely and said that the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776. My class was all white except for me. I couldn’t understand why the teacher didn’t call on me so I asked my sister about it. Whenever I had problems, I looked to my older sister, who was in high school at the time, for answers. My sister told me that my teacher could be prejudiced towards Indian people. She said that she had faced many teachers who were prejudiced in the past. I never raised my hand in that class again. I truly felt invisible.
It was four years ago that I asked myself the question: “Why does my teacher ignore me?” The only answer I could come up with was that the teacher saw me as an inferior being in comparison to the other lighter-skinned people of the class. In the ninth grade, I even started feeling inferior to lighter-skinned Indian people. It started when my friends were talking about what girls were pretty. We were at an Indian social function. I started to notice that my friends were picking out light-skinned girls. One of my friends pointed at a girl who was very pretty. One of my other friends said, “Oh. She’s pretty, but she’s too dark-skinned.” This is when I started to think, “What do the girls think of me? Do they see me as an inferior person because I am dark-skinned?” I never found a concrete answer to that question, but ever since that incident, I have felt invisible even among my own race. I had Caucasian friends who respected me. Some of them were wise and didn’t see me as the person with the brown complexion and black hair but saw me for who I was. They saw me as the individual with the same goals and attributes they had. They saw me as a being who was just as determined as they were to become a success in life. These were my true friends in life.
But then there were those fools who called me derogatory names and publicly denounced my culture. These are the people that I despise most. One day, I was walking to class minding my own business when two boys approached me and said in a feigned Indian accent, “Oh. Hello. Can I buy a squishy? Where is your 7-eleven store?” I got so angry with these two boys for their ignorance that I wanted to kick them and beat them. I am happy that I just walked away from those bigots. The fact that I was willing to resort to violence against these ignorant idiots shocks me. Others called me a “cow lover” (referring to how cows are revered by many Hindus) or put red crayon dots on their foreheads to hint of the bhindi that many Indians put on their foreheads. These were the people who crushed my self-confidence. I, too, was even a fool because I let these people get to me. I let these people treat me like an object rather than a person.
Whenever I tried to start a conversation, some people would just pretend I wasn’t there. At first, I thought it was my imagination. But that was definitely wishful thinking. One day, there was a group of white students talking about what they were going to do during the weekend. I said, “Hey, I am going to see Titanic this weekend. Are any of you going to see that movie?” Everyone in the group ignored me and continued their own conversation. After that, I always felt left out. Being invisible is listening to other people’s problems but not being able to cope with your own. It’s pretending that everything is okay when it really isn’t. Being invisible is being the last person to be picked on the basketball team. It is a feeling which makes you want to holler but nothing comes out. It is when you are overcome with feelings of inferiority, anguish and disillusionment. The thing that bothered me most was that I made these IGNORANT ones feel superior to me. I TRULY thought they should be exalted because of who they were and I should be relegated to invisibility because of who I was. Preposterous questions like, “Do you own a 7-Eleven store?” “Are your parents terrorists?” “Do you paint that silly red thing on your face permanently?” and many others made me realize that these people were not bigots but ignorant.
I embraced my Hindu religion and culture
Last year, I began to become less invisible. I realized that I, being one of the leaders of tomorrow as well as the representatives of my ethnicity, must educate these people. I realized this important piece of information after years and years of thought and self-reflection about who and what I was. I realized that the only way I could educate these people is by educating myself first and giving myself more credit. I joined an Asian-Indian American youth group called “Shakti,” which literally means “strength” in Hindi. I found out that many of my counterparts had the same identity crisis that I had. We worked together to educate others about our culture and customs. That’s when I started to appreciate my Indian side and crawled out of my shell of embitterment and isolation.
Life isn’t exactly sugar-coated for me, but ignorance isn’t bliss. I believe that it is ignorant to have a lack of self-worth. It was totally immoral of me to consider myself inferior to others. My being prejudiced against myself was just as bad as being ignorant of others. That was when I realized that I shouldn’t be invisible. There was nothing wrong with me. I realized that I should speak up for my rights peacefully. That was when I built up my confidence. I could also be that legend everyone wanted to become. By becoming a legend, I mean that I could become a person who completely overcame racism. Throughout the ages, nobody has succeeded in defeating racism and prejudice. To defeat racism and prejudice would be to eradicate it from the face of the earth. Although it is impossible to overcome racism, we can still strive to beat it and, in the process, become better people. As we become less ignorant of others and ourselves, we will become happier and more self-confident.
Mostly, it was my strong Hindu culture that helped me in overcoming my sense of invisibility. I try to go to the temple every Sunday or as often as I can. My parents would take my sister and me to the temple when we were younger, but I used to hate it and thought it was a pointless waste of a Sunday. Over time, I began to realize that being Hindu was something that I should be proud of. I used to be ashamed when people asked me why I touched both my cheeks when I stepped on a book or paper. Now I enjoy explaining that it is part of my culture as a Hindu to ask God’s forgiveness after stepping on educational materials. It might sound absurd to some, but I feel that it is an integral part of my culture (For more facts about Hinduism, see the fact box on page 16). Now I enjoy going to the temple. I pray and sing to the various Gods that I believe in. Sometimes, there are “pujas” or prayers to certain Gods at the temple. I enjoy those the most. I think that I first began to appreciate my religion when I started identifying myself as an “Asian-Indian American.”
I am American as well as Indian socially and culturally. By this, I mean that I can watch MTV and go to a concert while I still go to the temple as often as I can or attend a yoga session on the weekend. My dark skin color shouldn’t preclude me from appreciating who I am. Because of my everlasting sense of invisibility, I have learned to appreciate my richly knitted culture. Being a product of a hyphenated culture, I have found my place in this world. I have become a more optimistic and open-minded person. I see the world as a place where I can achieve my triumphs and victories as well as experience my share of failures and mistakes. I used to cry and hate myself when people said prejudiced or ignorant comments to me, but I react differently now. Now, I explain my culture and values to those who do not understand it. I am unique. I am no longer invisible. In fact, I am Asian-Indian American and I am Hindu. I am proud of that.
I would be lying if I said that I completely overcame my sense of invisibility. I have gained a lot of respect for my culture and myself, but I still have the inner conflict lurking in the depths of my consciousness. The only thing I can do is to strive to overcome it and become that legend that I always wanted to be. There are times when I wish that I was light-skinned. That feeling will probably stay with me for the rest of my life, but I can only keep trying to overcome it. The only advice I can offer to others who are feeling invisible is that you should look to your roots and your culture. I am sure you will find something that will make you feel good about yourself. “