By Blanca Erazo, 15, City of Angels HS

“It seems that whenever our parents want to give us advice they are in the kitchen and we’re in the living room or maybe in the bathroom, trying not to listen. But they’re screaming all over the place, so loud even the neighbors know what’s going on. “Why are you home so late from school? Why do you get bad grades? I don’t want you hanging around with those guys.” This was my situation.
My freshman year, I would barely enter the apartment when my mom would scream from the kitchen, “Aha! why are you coming so late? Do you see what time it is?” I would say, “Yes mom, I had detention at school for being late to class.”
Well, actually I did have detention but with my boyfriend at the park. We loved to go there and listen to our favorite song from Guns ‘n’ Roses, “Don’t Cry,” in his green Chevy Spectrum.
While my parents were busy working, I was having fun, eating, playing, singing somewhere in L.A. with my secret boyfriend. I spent more time with him than my own family. As a matter of fact, my boyfriend was more like family. I didn’t feel good if I wasn’t with him. At night I used to dream of him looking at me. I’d hear his voice joking or saying funny things like when I asked him if he bought me the CD I wanted. He answered “You wish, fish.” We laughed a lot. I felt bad for my parents but I knew if I had told them they wouldn’t have let me be with him. I found out which days my mom was working late and I’d see my boyfriend on those days.
But some gossipy neighbor saw me with him and told my parents about it. When my parents asked me I totally denied it. My parents were angry and threatened to send me back to El Salvador, but since they didn’t have proof, they didn’t do anything.

I tried even harder to hide my secret boyfriend
I started being more careful. I ditched school so we could go places further away from my house. I was so crazy about that guy, I started getting bad grades in school. When I was at home I was bored and slept all the time. My parents noticed I had changed. They thought I was depressed because they were so strict. So my mom told me that she would give me a little bit more freedom with the condition that I wouldn’t be like my sister, who got pregnant when she was 16 and didn’t finish high school on time. She is now married to the guy and has a good job but I know that wasn’t what my mom wanted for her. I made my promise and in return I could go out with friends, get calls from boys and was even allowed to go to the gym to work out. Things that were impossible just months ago were now possible.
At first I started going to the gym with my sister. When she didn’t want to go (which was almost all the time) I went alone and called my boyfriend from the gym to pick me up. As time passed, my mom and dad started suspecting I had a boyfriend because when he called, he’d hang up unless I answered. My mom always said, “ya sé quien es” (I know who it is) and she looked at me like she knew, but I didn’t pay any attention to her comments.
Meanwhile my boyfriend and I started having problems. He would come and ask me things like whether I had been with some other boy or if I didn’t love him any more. His cousins didn’t (and still don’t) like me at all and made these things up. We broke up a lot of times. I felt I was going to die when that happened but we always went back together.

The doctor had some bad news for me
We had been seeing each other for two years when I started feeling sick. I was pale and nauseated and had weird spots on my legs. I thought I was anemic, but the doctor said I was pregnant! I was shocked even though I shouldn’t have been because my boyfriend and I never used any contraceptive methods. I thought I was sterile or maybe he was sterile. Sometimes I thought about asking him to buy me something or wear a condom but I felt ashamed to bring it up.
That night I couldn’t sleep. I thought about everything—my family, school, my boyfriend, the baby and of course I thought about me. What would I do? How would things be for me? Whether I had the baby or not, I had broken the promise I made my mom. Telling my boyfriend was easy. But how was I going to tell my mom?
A few days later when my mom came from work, I got up to go to my room because I felt like such a liar in front of her. However, she told me to go into the kitchen and wait for her. I was so nervous, my heart was beating 100 times faster than usual. My mom came inside the kitchen, sat in front of me and looked me in the eyes. She said, “I know you are pregnant, you have been going out with this guy. I just wanted you not to feel like you’re in jail. That is why I changed with you. I wanted the best for you, I wanted you to feel good but I guess this is what you wanted.”
I couldn’t believe how calm she was. She didn’t scream or throw me out of the house. I never expected her to be that way with me. I felt relieved that she knew, but bad that I broke my promise. Even though my mom didn’t say anything, even though she said she would help me, I could feel how disappointed and angry she was.
After that my pregnancy went smoothly. I kept going to school until the term ended. My boyfriend found us an apartment below my mom’s right before the baby was born.
Having the baby—we named her Kaylen—was tough. I felt contractions two days before I actually went to the hospital, and I was in labor at the hospital for 13 hours and 36 minutes (I was counting!) Now that I have the baby, people look at me like I’m a criminal or something because I’m only 15.

I never knew how hard it would be!
But having the baby was nothing compared to raising her. People love to hold her and hug her when she’s happy but when she cries, okay, back with mommy. My mother, sister and boyfriend are there to help, but they have to work, so mostly it’s me taking care of her.
From the day she was born there hasn’t been a single night I can get all the sleep I want. I haven’t gone to the movies or the gym. Even a trip to the park is rare. My boyfriend has to work harder. He got a well-paying job near San Diego so we are not together most of the time. He comes over once or twice a week but things are not the same. I miss him. I’m all by myself, as Celine Dion says, no one to help me out with the baby at night.
Sometimes when I feel really lonely I lay down in the bed and wonder if things could have been different. Maybe if my parents had been stricter with me… Maybe if my parents had more time to spend with me… More communication. I don’t regret my daughter, I love her but it’s hard for me to give up having fun and being independent (and sleeping!).

I want the best for my baby
I see her so innocent and imagine her with a bright future. I would like her to start taking gymnastics classes when she is 6 or 7 years old. Maybe I can get her into modeling or doing commercials on TV. Right now I can only dream. Only time will tell if I’m doing good as a mother or not.
The relationship between my boyfriend and I has changed a lot. First, because of his work and second because it’s not the same once you have children, I can’t even talk to him because I have to feed the baby or she wants to play. Well, all I can say is it’s hard raising a child if you are not ready.
Finally I want to end by telling parents that we teenagers need attention, love, communication, understanding, fun and above all patience. “