“When my friend got America On Line for a little while, she’d tell me every day about all the interesting people she’d talked to the night before. I felt left out, especially since my brother stayed up late every night to talk to all his friends on-line. Finally he showed me how to go on-line to chat with people. I watched in wonder as people from all over the country wrote down things that I could read right on my computer screen.
I felt a little shy but my brother introduced me to a gal-friend of his and she showed me around the Internet. Her “nick” was “lovrgirl” and she was a real cool chick. (A nick is the nickname you use for yourself on-line.) I joined Channel Teenchat and started a conversation with this guy called “expo.” He was sixteen from Vancouver, Canada and his real name was Chris. I didn’t want to leave when my brother made me get off. But it was too late. I was already addicted. Expo and I had exchanged e-mail addresses. We also made a date on-line for the next night around 8 p.m. He was on my mind a whole lot the next couple of days especially since I didn’t get to talk to him for a few nights. I sent him a lot of e-mail messages, though.
My classmates sent me e-mail, too
I also started sending e-mail to a friend from school, Diana. We’d always open up this private chat room and we could just tell each other what we were up to. We’d laugh at the lame things that some people told us. And we had a lot to talk about in the morning at school. I think we’re better friends now because of the Internet.
A friend’s two words of advice for me had been, “Don’t cyber!” Cybering is when you describe things you would do to another person in an intimate situation. My friend thought it was stupid and disgusting but I didn’t see what was so bad. I was looking forward to it.
The first time I did cyber was in a group. I started telling this one guy that I was “a bad little girl.” We started cybering and all the other guys joined in. Almost all of them had cybered with me when another girl came into the room. One of the guys told me that they were sick of doing it with me and they wanted to do it with her. The next thing I knew, he’d banned me from the room—I couldn’t get back to talk to them. I was a little mad but it was pretty funny. As for the cybersex itself, it really wasn’t fun. Looking back, I suppose I didn’t enjoy it because the people were strangers, so there was no special connection.
So I thought cybering was stupid now, just like my friend had said. That’s when I got into teasing. I’d have wicked fun with people who wanted to cyber. It seemed so funny to me that they’d actually get off sitting there in front of their computer screens. I’d let them write me a few lines and then tell them I was cracking up at them. My brother has a mischievous sense of humor too and he’d tell me things to write back. One guy wrote, “I just want to get you hot so you can get me hot too.” My brother said, “Hey, tell him to turn up the heater!” We cracked up!
There was another guy who wrote me a few nasty messages and I wrote some back to him for entertainment. Then he said he wanted to try phone sex. That’s when I told him, “Um, there’s something I have to tell you… I’m really a guy,” He freaked out and stopped talking to me immediately.
When another guy wanted to cyber, my brother made me get off and he typed in, “Sorry guys, my sister’s gone.” Just then the guy said, “I wish I could f*** you,” My brother answered, “Are you gay?” The guy was shocked and said no. Then my brother said, “Oh, no? And yet you’re saying stupid s***,” I almost felt sorry for that poor guy. He was helpless against my brother and he must’ve been so confused.
Some of the guys were weird
Another one that sticks out in my mind is a guy named “Ramey.” He was giving me some story about how he’s Italian and Italians are great in bed. He said they can make love all night and he asked if I wanted to give it a try. I found that incredibly ridiculous and said, “Oh, yeah, through the computer,” I told him I couldn’t stop laughing and he got pretty mad and told me that I’d “just ruined what could’ve been a beautiful thing.”
I talked to Chris again and we got to know more about each other’s lives. He said he had this feeling like he already knew me. I felt that way too. I didn’t think I could really get to know a person through the computer. I’d heard of people who met on line and ended up getting married. I thought that was a crazy idea. I agreed with what another friend of mine said. She said, “Separate the Internet from the real world.” People on-line could pretend to be different from what they really are. But with Chris I felt this connection. I almost loved him and I’d only known him for a few weeks. One of the things I liked about him was that he wasn’t into cybering that much. He said he was really shy and he’d never kissed a girl. He liked to describe all these romantic scenes with me. He talked about a fire burning in the fireplace and us snuggling up under a warm blanket and him giving me roses. I thought he was really sweet. It was much better than some explicit messages I’d get from other guys who wanted to cyber. I trusted him enough to give him my address and he sent me a Christmas card and a picture of himself. It was nice to be able to place a face with the personality.
I loved the romance
Then I met Brad or “mrhappee.” He was 16 from Calgary, Canada. He was very cheerful and outgoing. The first time we talked, he gave me “a slow, deep kiss” and left suddenly. I didn’t talk to him for a while but he stuck in my mind because that “kiss” gave me a strange feeling I had never felt on-line before. The next time he was on, I asked if he still remembered me. He could recall who I was but he’d forgotten the details about me. I pretended to be mad and he said he was hugging me and kissing me and begging for my forgiveness. We described this scene to each other in which I was angry and he’d kiss me until I couldn’t stay mad any longer and had to give in to him. We ended up cybering and I actually liked it. He was great at describing the things he was doing with many romantic and sensual adjectives and adverbs. We cybered many times afterwards. Though I’m still a virgin, I learned from him that sex is not dirty and sinful—it’s natural and fun. We became friends, good friends.
I was also the victim of several tricks on line. One time I thought I was talking to Chris, but it turned out to be a girl with the same nick. Another time I thought I was talking to Brad (mrhappee) and he told me that he was actually a guy from my school who I hated. I freaked out. I started typing everything in CAPITAL LETTERS, I was so upset. Then it turned out that it was my friend from school, playing a joke on me. Imagine my relief!!
Another guy wanted to get serious
I also met Justin. He was 16 from Virginia. At first I thought he was a little psycho because he said he felt a psychic connection between us, that he loved me and he’d like to marry me. He said I was the only one for him. I didn’t like him at first but after talking to him for a little while, he started to grow on me. One thing I liked was that he said he values the mind much more than sex. I believed him because he didn’t bring up cybering at all and was just happy to be talking to me.
He said he wanted me to be with him. I agreed to “be with him” thinking that meant being friends and keeping in touch. But I later discovered that he wanted a committed relationship. I didn’t agree but I kept talking to him. He proposed that I go visit him for New Year’s, saying I could sleep in one of the guest bedrooms. He said, “Please visit me!! I won’t touch you sexually!” He wanted me to call him collect and he gave me the number for his private line. He even suggested that he and his friend drive to L.A. to visit me.
I thought he was taking the whole thing too seriously. I refused to call him or visit him. I did what I felt secure with—I typed to him. We became better friends and I began to feel the connection between us too. I began to trust him as well and considered calling him. Things were great for a while. I’d hang out with Diana and friends from school or with Justin, expo, or mrhappee whenever they were on.
You can smile so easily 🙂
I learned a lot about the advantages the Internet provides. It seems to have its own special language. There’s this smiley face that people use 🙂 It can mean a lot of things. I use it when I’m joking around or being playful. Others use it when they want to express their happiness. The point is that it doesn’t exist when I’m talking in person or on the phone. I can’t just smile and make everything better.
I can express myself a lot better on the Net. I used to be interested in this one guy until I realized he was a jerk. After that we were always hostile to each other. But when we started talking on-line, I was able to tell him I wanted to put everything behind us and be friends. I told him I loved him as a buddy. He said I was still his friend and he typed a rose for me:
@}—’—
That was so sweet.
That’s what I like about the Net. There’s nothing there to represent me except my words, my personality. People only see what I want them to see about me. There’s nothing that can betray me like body language, facial expressions, or tones of voice. I guess it makes me feel more secure.
But that’s the same reason that I was skeptical about the Internet at first. I didn’t think people really connected with each other. But it’s strange how we do. If it’s someone I’m not compatible with, I can feel it through the Internet. I can tell if I like a person. There’s some sort of feeling there like a bond between us. Perhaps that’s because there are facades people put on in person which they drop when they get on the Internet. After having only a few normal conversations with expo, he told me how his father died and he still feels his presence. He said he feels bad when he sees teens making out because he never kissed a girl. I liked getting his advice on my problems. He had this outside perspective of my life. It’s harder for my friends to tell me what to do because they can’t see the whole picture of what’s really going on.
I knew my parents wouldn’t approve
I knew my parents wouldn’t be ecstatic knowing that I cybered on the Net. But I thought they’d understand the harmlessness of it all. I tried bringing up the subject one day with my mom. I didn’t tell her that I’d actually done it. I just told her what it was and asked how she felt about it. She freaked out and acted paranoid telling me that she didn’t want me involved in that sort of thing. She’d always warned my brother and me not to cuss on the Internet or to say anything bad about the government but we considered this to be a very foolish concern. I decided not to mention that I had cybered before or that I was writing this article.
My father got another computer and he said he would get a second phone line soon. I was extremely excited. I couldn’t wait to be able to get on line any time, without my brother kicking me off or anything.
But I guess things don’t always turn out as planned. About two weeks ago my father announced that he was no longer putting in that second phone line. He said he didn’t like the things I talked about on-line. I knew what he meant but I can’t see how he found out. He said the Internet provides access to a lot of information and that I should be learning something and not just looking for individuals to talk dirt to. I said, then why does my brother still get access? Dad said my brother doesn’t talk as much dirt as I do. And besides, he’s older and a guy, so my father isn’t as worried about what might happen to him. He was worried about me being lured out of the house by some sick pervert. He thought that I was planning to visit Chris in Canada. He said that I could wait about a year and let my “tiny mind” mature before I got back on line. Tiny mind?!?! A whole year?!?!
I guess there are a couple of things he didn’t understand and it wouldn’t have helped to explain them to him either. I knew not to give out personal information on-line. I was smart enough to make that decision. And of course I wasn’t crazy enough to run away to Canada. But how could I describe the things I’d learned to him? I’d learned that there are so many people out there like me. I used to think that there were only a few people that I could get along with, but the Internet proved me wrong. There were a lot of people that I clicked with.
I felt less alone
It made me feel less alone in the world as if I was actually understood. I realized that there is no limit on the human spirit. You can set up barriers, such as computers, where all you can see is someone else’s type. But even then, you can still feel someone else’s humor, his love, his desire—even if he’s halfway across the globe. I don’t suppose my father would’ve understood that coming from a naive 15-year-old girl.
Being banned from the Internet, I miss all my friends. I know they’re wondering what has happened to me. I wrote Chris a letter the other day. I hope he writes back.”