A page from Ruben’s diary
When people get sober in the Asian American Drug Abuse Program, they are required to write about their innermost feelings to help them heal. Here are excerpts from Ruben Lopez’s “Treatment Paper #1,” about the things he feels most ashamed about.
The situation I feel the most guilt and shame over is with my little brother. When I look back at what kind of brother I was the one word that can explain it all is disgraceful … I used to tell him only sissies cry and now he has the hardest time showing his true feelings. I was really tough on him when he was a younger boy and I don’t think he was ever allowed to be a child with no worries just having fun. I was always there scolding him and telling him not to do this or not to do that … I lied to him all the time because I didn’t want him to know I was drinking alcohol and using drugs …
All his friends know who I am and they always ask Brian where I’m at. He lies to them and tells them I’m in L.A. living with a friend and the reason he can’t visit me is because I don’t have my own place. I feel guilty that my little brother has to lie to his friends about me …
I also feel so ashamed that I didn’t give my mother the love and cooperation that she deserved. She has always been proud of anything and everything I’ve done. And I know that she is proud of me for taking a big step in coming to L.A. and giving A.A.D.A.P. a chance …
I didn’t care how she felt and I used to do thoughtless things to her. I would cuss her out, for no reason. Make her take me to the Jack-n-the-Box at 3 o’clock in the morning because I was hungry and "I wanted some food now." I was too drunk to remember but she has told me that I’ve almost hit her at times … I would never hit my mother and that stupid alcohol almost got me to. I know that wasn’t me, it was the alcohol. I can’t believe I got to that point.
When she told me all the stupid stuff I had done the next morning she would be in tears. I can remember when I pushed her to the edge so far that she screamed at the top of her lungs. Brian was in the other room across the house and he came running to her. She was down on the floor and crying, Brian just holding her not knowing what to do. I thought she was dumb for doing those kinds of things. I would get upset and go out on another beer run. Not solving a damn thing, just making it worse.
Forgiving myself for these feelings will not be easy. I have to accept these terrible things I’ve done and move on without beating myself up over them.
