By By Claudia Tejada,

“During these past 10 years, it has been a long and difficult spiritual journey returning to faith.
The first step came about four years ago when I told a friend about my beloved bird who died. He explained that some baby birds have developmental problems caused by vitamin deficiencies in the mother’s diet. He said he had a pet bird who died of the same condition. That night, my heart sank. I felt I had wrongly blamed God for my bird’s death, along with other wrongs such as murders, war and poverty.
That same year was my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary. My parents wanted to renew their vows with a religious Catholic ceremony, so we met with the pastor of our local parish. During our conversation, my parents mentioned that I did not attend church—with the priest sitting right there! I was on the spot. What should I say? I thought to myself.
I have some questions about God’s existence, I told him. That’s okay, he said. He didn’t scold me or tell me I was damned. I began to sense that maybe he could help me find an opening back into the church, even for me, a hardened “atheist.”
Later he invited me to talk with him privately. I brought a two-page list of questions ranging from “Is there a God?” to “What do you think heaven is like?” He answered them all one by one, in a meeting that lasted about two hours. He didn’t take offense at all my blasphemous questions. He said everyone, including himself, questioned God’s existence. He said all of us must find God through an inner, deeper faith. I got the sense that when I was ready to come back, I could.
His kind words and warm, affectionate manner made me want to ask God for forgiveness. I yearned to be forgiven for throwing away the Bible and my gold cross earrings, and all the anger I’d had towards God. I felt awful for doing those things. I thought maybe I could feel connected to God again.
That night I kneeled at my bedside to pray. It had been six years. It felt strange, yet comforting to kneel. I cried, asked for forgiveness and for God to lead me back to my spiritual beliefs. During Lent, I confessed for the first time in nearly eight years and went to Easter Sunday Mass without reservations. Being in the church was breathtaking. I felt so safe and serene.
Slowly, my faith grew and grew to the point where I became a lector reading the scriptures. I attended mass devotedly every Sunday and prayed every night. I credit my priest’s patience and understanding. Without his guidance, I do not think my faith would have been so strong.
Now that I am back to believing in God, I am struggling with being a feminist in the Catholic faith. I question the role women play in the church and wonder why they cannot preach. As a lector reader, I absolutely love proclaiming the scriptures and adamantly believe I should have the right to preach. I even seriously thought of becoming a nun—but nuns cannot preach. I also question God being perceived as male. Saying the “Our Father” and hearing and reading scriptures that exclude women is painful. This inner conflict has made it difficult for me to attend mass and stay in the Catholic church.
Looking back on those years when God was absent, I felt I did need spiritual guidance. I went through a turbulent, rebellious stage during the time I had rejected God. Now that I am 24 years old, I feel I need God more than ever in my life. However, in what religion? I am trying to resolve this conflict by reaching out to other female Catholics who feel or had felt excluded from the patriarchal dominance of the church. I am also looking into other religions who believe in Christ and accept females as equals.
I would like to stay in the Catholic faith due to the glory of the mass ceremony, rituals and music. However, since women continue to be excluded and not perceived as equals, I might have to worship God without being in an organized religion. My devout Catholic parents do not welcome this idea. Nevertheless, I now wholeheartedly believe in God. Where once I hoped to meet an atheist man, now I hope for a spiritual one.
Claudia Tejada wrote eloquently of her atheist views when she was in high school. Now six years later, she has found her faith again.”