Foot patrol: I just can’t stop thinking about toes

Perhaps the reason I am so fascinated by other people’s toes is because I am so appalled by my own. They are so short and stubby and my second toe on my right foot is much longer than the rest, but on my left foot the second toe is practically perfect!

Actually, I used to think I had perfect toes and feet, but since I started high school, I just seem to keep finding faults with them. I guess when I was little, my ugly toes could still slide by as being cute kid toes, but then one day at the bus stop in 10th grade, I looked down, and they were all mushed! It was awful!

This has led me to notice every detail about the toes I see on my friends, family and even random passersby. I notice others’ toes the most when I’m sitting in class, bored out of mind, but I also notice them a lot when I’m walking around at lunch or down the hallway.

No matter what season it is, I can always spot someone’s toes. Sandals are a year-round fashion statement in Los Angeles, so toes are always around me. If I think someone has nice toes, or as nice as toes can be anyway, I immediately like that person. If not, well, they take some getting used to. Superficial? Probably, but everybody knows that it is perfectly natural to gravitate towards things others have that you do not … right?

So what makes toes pretty?


It’s all about the presentation. One of the key factors in toe beauty is design; are they freshly painted? Do they have those cute little flower or jewel designs? Even unfortunate looking toes can be disguised by a good pedicure.

Do they have nasty dead skin on them? Because that is a major no-no! Is the second toe taller than the first? Eew! The toes should form an even sloping shape, with the big toe as the highest point.

If your toenails are cleaned, but not decorated, they must at least be cut nicely, which means that the nails must be cut evenly around the actual toe, not poking an inch over, or way short so all your toe skin shows. In general, if you want to make your toes better, just keep them well groomed and try to make them pretty! Toe etiquette is extremely important, especially since we live in L.A.

Are long toes better than short toes, or vice versa? I think that it’s good to have a balance, not obscenely long, skinny toes, but not smooshed together pudgy short ones either.

And, last but not least, the biggest decider of all: is there a side pinky? What is a side pinky? you may wonder. A side pinky is the most repulsive thing of all, to me at least. It’s when the pinky is on its side, facing away from the rest of the foot, rather than lying flat and facing upwards with the rest.

I mainly just notice what toes look like, but if I see someone’s toe jam, forget about it; that is just the most disgusting thing, yes—even worse than the dreaded side pinky. Thank goodness I rarely see that!